Taking Control, of Control

“The power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.“

The Purpose

Survival Need

The primary purpose of control is a survival mechanism, in order to meet a survival need.  Because survival requires taking action.  And the effect of taking action is that we gain control over our lives.

All lifeforms try to take control of their survival as much as their ability allows, and they evolve to do it better.  We control things to make survival easier because it reinforces it.  It’s not only in our nature to control things but it’s evolution.

Evolution is the effect of life controlling its own survival.  Life that survives better, gets the opportunity to pass on genes required for evolution to take place.  By gaining control over their survival, all lifeforms are actually directing their own evolution, unintentionally.

And since the odds for surviving are better in higher numbers, the control that we gained over each of our own lives extended into residents controlling communities, employees controlling companies, citizens controlling governments, and our species controlling our planet(s).

But survival is not the only reason that we want to have control over things.

Psychological Need

The secondary purpose of control is to meet a psychological need.  Technically, survival can fall under a psychological need too, being that the fear of death is a good motivator to take control of our lives.  The difference is that we are born with survival needs but the other psychological needs are a result of our development.

Due to our development, we each have a baseline of how we feel (mentally) and what we are starting off with each day.  Then, as the day unfolds, it fluctuates from our baseline and our need for control becomes higher or lower.  Depending largely on our overall mental health and, to a lower extent, our current emotional needs.

As there are many emotions, there are that many variables for a psychological reason to control something.  But the common denominator is that the reason anyone would want to control something is because having control over our lives feels better (emotionally) than not having control.  And gaining control allows us to improve how we feel.

The reason that having control feels better is that not having control represents unpredictability and uncertainty.  And both of them are a threat to our survival.  In addition, not having control generates negative emotions and we don’t like to feel negative emotions.  Gaining control helps us to not experience unwanted emotions.

I believe that, in one form or another, fear has a lot to do with our need for control and gaining control gives us power over our fears.  Regardless, feeling good allows us to not have to think about being afraid.

The Concept

These are the ways that we can experience control.

Having Control

• When you want something to happen, and it happens.

This is the ideal scenario but it isn’t very realistic.  While there are many things that do happen when we want them to, there are many more that don’t.  Nonetheless, that doesn’t stop us from wanting things our way.  All of humanity’s progress is designed to give us more control over our survival.  Because, the more control we have the less danger our lives are in and the better we feel.

• When you don’t want something to happen and it doesn’t happen.

This is also ideal but since it’s the default of our daily existence anyway, we don’t pay much attention to it.  Most things that we don’t want are already not happening.  Insurance companies base their entire purpose on this concept, and people’s fear that something they don’t want could happen.

Not Having Control

• When you want something to happen and it doesn’t happen, or cannot happen.

Out of these two scenarios involving not having control, this one is the easiest to deal with.  Because when you want something to happen, you’re consciously aware of it, and there’s an expectation that it may not happen.  The expectation allows for some predictability and there’s no surprise.

• When you don’t want something to happen but it happens.

Out of these two scenarios involving not having control, this one is the hardest to deal with.  Because this is what total loss of control feels like.  It’s unpredictable and, in some way, gives life to a fear we might have had.  Sometimes you can brace for it, but more often than not, it catches you by surprise.  And there was no expectation or predictability to soften the blow.

The Range

Our need to control things can range anywhere from survival basics to behavioral disorders.  Even though the degree at which people want to control things can fall anywhere in between, these are the main degrees of control.

Inactive

This is a person who doesn’t try to take control of their life and where it’s going.  Or they’re just not able to.

Passive

This is a person who is settled in life and isn’t trying to do anything out of the ordinary. I would say that the majority of the population falls in this category.

Active

This is a person who is constantly growing and takes their life to an extraordinary level.  All success stories fall into this category.

Overactive

This is a person who is trying to gain control over everything to an unhealthy level. An excessive need to control things gives birth to behavioral disorders.

The Emphasis

There is also a lot of emphasis on control in our world.  For good reason, everything is affected by our ability to control how we are surviving, as a species.

In Control

This represents someone who is in control of themselves or a situation.

Taking Control

This represents seizing control, in the moment, by taking action toward a purpose, and succeeding.  Parenting comes to mind.

Gaining Control

This represents obtaining control, over time, by acquiring knowledge and skill toward a purpose, and succeeding.  Such as personal development.

Under Control

This represents order.  Things that are contained under someone’s control, and not escalating toward being out of control.  Children, dogs, protests, etc.

Lack of Control

This represents having some control but not enough for the desired result.  Relationships, jobs, finances, diets, etc.

Loss of Control

This represents not being able to change a situation no matter what.  Illness, death, layoffs, breakups, the past, etc.

Out of Control

This represents not being able to maintain control over ourselves or a situation.  Violence, accidents, love, etc.  The chemistry of falling in love has been linked to the same emotion as feeling out of control.  We feel out of control whenever we feel helpless.  Since there’s a lot of uncertainty in the early stages of relationships, people feel the effects of being out of control.

Controller

This represents a person or thing that directs or regulates something.

Control Issues / Freaks

This represents someone who is trying to gain control over everything.

Controlling

This represents someone who is trying to gain control over other people.  Their behavior, their choices, their emotions, etc.

The Parts

Life gives us all kinds of reasons to want to gain control over things.  It’s good to be aware of those reasons so we are not trying to gain control over things that we don’t need to, shouldn’t, or for the wrong reasons.

The need for control has three parts, why, what, and how.  We already know the why, which is to survive and feel good doing it.  The other two are what you are trying to control and how you are trying to control it.

Why

Understanding why you want to control something is important so that you can check your state of mind.  Are you in danger?  If not, why is it that you want to feel better?  Is there something about your life that’s bothering you, or making you feel helpless?

What

Understanding what you are trying to control is important so that you can check your emotional health.  Since a need for control is a need to feel better, you can examine whether what you are trying to control is something that should be controlled or not.

How

How you are trying to control something is important so you can check your behaviors.  There are good and bad ways to gain control over things.  Understanding that is important for your well-being and the well-being of others. Including children and even pets.
Here’s how we can gain control in our lives.

Physically (Directed at anything that we can touch.)

• Assertive – Acting on your intention in a calm manner, using a good state of mind and relaxed body language.

• Aggressive – Acting on your intention in a frustrated manner, using a poor state of mind and tense body language.

Psychologically (Directed at people.)

• Direct – Stating your intention, using a good state of mind and normal psychological behavior.

• Manipulative – Masking your intention, using a poor state of mind and covert psychological behavior.  Such as passive aggression, reverse psychology, psychological bullying, guilt-tripping, deceit, etc.

The Shift

I believe that, deep down, everything we do is to get control in our lives.  Every action we take is related to our psychological need to feel better about our lives and about who we are.  Whether that’s because we are afraid, don’t feel good enough, or feel helpless in some way, the goal is the same.  To feel good and enjoy life.

But life has many moving parts.  Each with their own trajectory.  While we take control of what we can, there will always be things that make us feel helpless.  This creates a cycle that is constantly shifting positions between not having control, having control, losing control, and gaining control.

We have learned to navigate this cycle because we have a mind that’s capable of adapting to life’s circumstances.  We try to make ourselves feel better by trying to capture the feeling that our lives are within our control.  To achieve balance, we shift control from where we don’t have it to where we can have it.

This is why we go on diets, change jobs, exercise, buy material things, etc.  Unfortunately, some of the effects of this control-shift come in negative forms.  Such as substance abuse, violence,  passive aggression, binge-eating, OCD, and so on.

The Effect

Ultimately, mental health is the deciding factor when it comes to the way that we satisfy our need for control.  Not so much the reason, because we all have the same reason, which is to feel good.  But more of what we do with that reason and how we arrive at feeling good.

This would mean learning how to make ourselves feel good in a lasting way.  A way that actually changes our brains and not just elevates our moods.  Understanding the why, what, and how, will help us manage our need to control things and harness its power in a positive way.

Because, control plays an important role in our lives.  It’s not only necessary for our survival but also our well-being.  This is why we create things, improve things, and make changes.  Having control over our lives feels good, it feels like a choice, a choice that matters.  And, choosing to live this one life in the best way possible, is all there is.